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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28443384">Patch's Favorite Daughter</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImperialAxis/pseuds/ImperialAxis'>ImperialAxis</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>RWBY</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Comedy, Crack, For terrible people, Implied Incest, Mention of Gore, transcript</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:35:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,178</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28443384</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImperialAxis/pseuds/ImperialAxis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Transcripts of the podcast that's all about making Ruby Rose famous.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Patch's Favorite Daughter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>have you ever heard of the comedy podcast Boston's Favorite Son? This is sorta like that, but RWBY. If not, run for the sake of your sanity</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yang Xiao Long: Alright Ruby. So, have you ever considered getting mauled by a pack of wolves?</p><p>Ruby Rose: Why are you talking to me over our scrolls? You can just walk over to Weiss’ manor, we’re all waiting for you.</p><p>Yang: That’s not what this is about sis. Just answer the question, have you ever considered it? Real wolves, not beowolves.</p><p>Ruby: No, I don’t wanna get mauled by wolves. It sounds like a really bad idea.</p><p>Blake Belladonna: Actually, you might be surprised by just how many advantages there are to being mauled.</p><p>Ruby: Blake, aren’t you supposed to be in charge of giving Nora her painkillers?</p><p>Blake: Don’t worry, I’ve got it perfectly under control. [distantly audible screaming] I’ve got it mostly under control. Anyway, wolves are actually all the rage lately, ever since the hit single “You Tear Up My Heart Like A Normal Wolf, Not A Beowolf” was released. Sure, if you got mauled by one wolf, you’d be in a little bit of trouble, but a whole pack? The newspapers would definitely notice, you’d at least make the fifth page.</p><p>Ruby: But... I’d also get hurt, and maybe die? And why does being in the newspaper matter?</p><p>Yang: Because we’re doing this to make you famous, duh. Who could possibly be more famous than the cutie on the fifth page of the local newspaper?</p><p>Ruby: Well, lots of people, actually.</p><p>Blake: Look, I understand your concerns, but we actually haven’t finished explaining yet. You see, the thing about the wolves is that when we say wolves, what we really mean is me and Yang wearing anime-esque wolf ears and tail butt plugs, frolicking all over your naked body and covering you in the blood we gathered from that butcher shop a few weeks ago</p><p>Ruby: What?</p><p>Yang: It’s the ultimate performance art, guaranteed to make you famous overnight.</p><p>Blake: And just think of the marketing. We can get so many commissions on my mom’s line of sex toys and real pig’s blood, because everyone will be inspired to buy them.</p><p>Ruby: What? I... please don’t cover me in blood? Or involve me in your weird sex things. That wouldn’t encourage people to buy anything, ever. I can’t think of anyone who would want to see or know about that</p><p>Yang: Well I know I want to see it. Blake, do you want to see it?</p><p>Blake: Oh, I’d buy tickets, and it would inspire me to buy tons of stuff from my mom if she didn’t already drown me in presents every year. It would be the talk of Menagerie</p><p>Yang: And you know what, how dare you imply that there’s something sexual about this. Just because it has a little bit of nudity. This is art! Art! Our art has integrity, and it’s going to make you famous, so you really ought to be more grateful.</p><p>Ruby: This isn’t art, it’s weird, horny, pseudoviolence.</p><p>Blake: Well it’s not our fault that you have a fetish for this. That’s something you’re just going to have to work through on your own. Seriously, that is incredibly inappropriate. Think of the children. The children!</p><p>Ruby: I’m sorry, there are going to be children there? That sounds like a really bad idea.</p><p>Yang: Well it is now, you pervert. I can’t believe you would make something like this so inappropriate.</p><p>Ruby: I’m not turned on by this, I’m just trying to say that I’m really worried because most people who aren’t you would think that this is some sort of very weird pornographic-</p><p>Blake: Those people don’t matter. They are fools, who will only see the glorious shine of our creation from their fields of darkness and ignorance. They are unworthy, and will never see the light.</p><p>Ruby: They do matter though, because we could get arrested, or called mean names by the PTA, or-</p><p>Yang: Ruby, we’re already wanted dead or alive by Ironwood.</p><p>Ruby: Well, yeah, but then if we did something like that it wouldn’t be an unfair thing for him to do because that’s really just not a good idea.</p><p>Yang: Fine! Look, we’ll get rid of any human nudity or sex toys, does that make you happy? Does it make you happy, forcing us to compromise <i>our</i> artistic vision for the sake of “not being arrested or yelled at''?</p><p>Ruby: That’s really not what I’m trying to do, I just wanna not do awful things.</p><p>Blake: So we’re back to regular wolves, <i>but</i> what we can do to make up for that is glue rubber nipples on top of their real nipples, as a sort of protest against how the nipple is censored and oppressed in moralist conservative heterosexual media</p><p>Yang: Now that’s a great start. Good work Blake, you’re an absolute visionary. Let’s keep building on that. Now, if we’ve already got rubber nipples, why not add a few giant knives in place of the wolves claws?</p><p>Ruby: I be in more danger, but I’d probably still win the fight</p><p>Yang: What do you mean, fight? I said mauled by wolves, not in a fight with them. You can’t get mauled if you fight back and win, that’s not what getting mauled means! And besides, people win against wolves all the time, it’s the mauling that’s important here.</p><p>Ruby: But I’d die.</p><p>Blake: A small price to pay for fame.</p><p>Yang: You’d be immortal in our hearts. I understand that it’s a sacrifice, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. </p><p>Ruby: I’m... not. And it really wouldn’t make me famous even if I did it. </p><p>Blake: It will if you wear a bonnet. </p><p>Ruby: A bonnet? Like babies wear?</p><p>Yang: Exactly. We get you a bonnet and some rattles, and while we’re recording you getting mauled you repeatedly cry out “hewp me, I’m a baby!” Because people love babies, and their deaths are always a really big deal. </p><p>Ruby: But I’m not a baby. </p><p>Blake: That’s what the props and the script are there for. To convince the audience.</p><p>Ruby: Nobody will believe that. </p><p>Blake: Yes they will, your cheeks are so cute and squishy, just like a baby’s. Besides, when Penny and Weiss were dragging you off to that private room before, you said that you needed an adult. You do a very convincing baby impression. </p><p>Ruby: I said that because I was afraid of losing all feeling in my legs, and I did. It wasn’t an impression. </p><p>Yang: Oh! That’s brilliant! To make you a more convincing baby we just have to cut off your legs! It’s so obvious, of course people would notice if a baby could walk. Nobody believes in a walking baby.</p><p>Blake: And instead of legs, you can have turkey legs, just to make you smell extra delicious. </p><p>Ruby: I need my legs.</p><p>Blake: That’s a great catchphrase, maybe we can get sponsored by a turkey leg brand.</p><p>Yang: Mmmm, just think of the delicious sponsorship money. Think of how many wolves we could afford to buy with that. How many, starving, rabid wolves.</p><p>Ruby: What?</p><p>Bake: As a metaphor for the callous mistreatment that society places upon children when their parents happen to be poor and unable to properly feed them, of course. </p><p>Yang: Oh yeah, of course. Definitely that. Not because I have a rabies and animal cruelty fetish. Wait, what am I saying? This isn’t even animal cruelty, we’re feeding the wolves and making Ruby famous at the same time.</p><p>Ruby: Everything about this idea is really, really bad and sounds like I’d die.</p><p>Yang: Well, why don’t <i>you</i> come up with a better idea, if you think it’s so easy!</p><p>Ruby: What if we went and destroyed the giant whale that’s destroying Atlas right now? We’d be heroes?</p><p>Yang: I see where you’re going with this, and I agree. It’s a brilliant idea. All we have to do is cover me in “blubber” and then you can heroically “slay” me through a series of very specific bodily stimulations. Like a combination of memory and morse code</p><p>Blake: And don’t forget “the harpoon”</p><p>Yang: Of course, “slay” me with your “harpoon” Ruby!</p><p>Ruby: Why are you saying those words that way?</p><p>Blake: Your name will be Captain Red-hab, and you will slay the shit out of that blubbery whale pussy while wearing your cloak. The cloak’s very important, you see. So that people understand the subtle play on words.</p><p>Ruby: No! I’m not going to have sex with you, Yang!</p><p>Yang: I’m sorry, I never said anything about us having sex, that is really inappropriate of you Ruby. All I’m suggesting is an innocent act of performing arts, and now you’re suggesting we have sex? Not that I’m against it, but this isn’t what the performance is about.</p><p>Ruby: What is it about then! What else could it possibly be about!</p><p>Blake: It’s about <i>society</i></p><p>Yang: And you know what, I understand your concerns. We are converting our message through very abstract methods, and not everyone will understand, reducing the impact of that message. So, just for you, we add another element to make everything crystal clear for everyone involved.</p><p>Ruby: Why do I feel like this is only going to make everything worse?</p><p>Yang: What we do is this: while you’re in the process of slaying my whale pussy with your massive, throbbing harpoon, Blake runs onstage, angrily wielding two powerful suction nozzles, trying to suck you up and put you into a little bitty box. She is Lady Suck-ciety, who wants to ruin all the fun in the world and stop you from slaying the whale of cruelty by sucking you into a little glass jar.</p><p>Blake: And just to make sure that we drive the point home to the audience about this, that description of me is going to be written on a large cardboard sign that’s hanging around my neck and it’ll be your dialogue to announce my appearance.</p><p>Ruby: [defeated] This really doesn’t help anything.</p><p>Blake: I may have forgotten to mention, but the blubber is cum. Lots of cum.</p><p>Yang: It helps free the people of their chains! Through art!</p><p>Blake: And don’t worry, aside from the sign all I’m wearing is a pair of stockings and makeup to make my face look old and wrinkly.</p><p>Ruby: Now I’m more worried.</p><p>Yang: Look, miss I’m Too Afraid To Do Anything To Get Famous, are you finished disrespecting our ideas yet? </p><p>Ruby: I’m not trying to be disrespectful, they’re just really terrible ideas in so many different ways and every time I try to suggest how we can improve them you just sort of get worse-</p><p>Yang: [growling angrily] Do you know what, Ruby?</p><p>Ruby: Um, no. What?</p><p>Yang: Tell me Ruby, what was your locker number back at Beacon?</p><p>Ruby: 635</p><p>Yang: Well, today, Ruby, today you’ve gone and opened up the <i>wrong</i> locker. And normally, you know, that’s no big deal. But it’s not just any locker you’ve opened up sis, it’s the hurt locker. And now that it’s been opened, it has to be filled. You’ve opened up the hurt locker, and you’re getting in there, because there’s nothing else you can do.</p><p>Ruby: Ouch?</p><p>Yang: Blake, if you would.</p><p>Ruby: [thud] Ouch!</p><p>Yang: [whispering menacingly right next to the microphone] Maybe next time you’ll listen to our ideas you little bitch.</p><p>Blake: Are you going to serenade us with your sweet whale song or not?</p><p>Ruby: My sweet whale song?</p><p>Yang: If you sing your whalesong, I <i>might</i> forgive you for this.</p><p>Ruby: But I don’t know what song my whale song is.</p><p>Blake: It’s a fucking whale song, surely you’ve heard what a whale sounds like when there’s a giant one really close to us and trying to kill all of Atlas.</p><p>Ruby: Oh. I thought it was going to be some weird joke song, not what they actually sound like. Well, okay. [bad whale noises]</p><p>Yang: Cut! [noises stop abruptly] What the fuck was that?</p><p>Ruby: Whale noises?</p><p>Yang: I didn’t say to make whale noises, I said to serenade me with your sweet whale song! The one with the Mastodon!</p><p>Ruby: [a moment of silence] Oh, that’s actually still surprisingly reasonable. [throat clearing, followed by singing] I think that someone is trying to kill me, infecting my blood and destroying my mind! No man of the flesh could ever stop me, this fight for the fish is a fight to the death! White whale, holy grail!</p><p>Blake: Good, good, keep going!</p><p>Ruby: White whale, holy grail! What remorseless emperor commands me? I no longer govern my soul. I am completely immersed in darkness, as I turn my body away from the sun.</p><p>Yang: Okay, stop there before we get copyright struck. I don’t forgive you, but, I will if you at least play along with our next idea.</p><p>Ruby: No! I give up, I’m done for today. I can’t handle any more craziness, and I need to make sure that Nora is okay. We’re done.</p><p>[end transcript]</p>
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